Friday, March 01, 2013

Learning to walk

This has been one hell of a year so far as I write this on March 1st, I feel like I've had several revelations about myself, my family and what it is I am doing here as a person. I haven't been able to keep my mind still on one thing and I feel frustrated and positive at the same time about that. I suppose I haven't been honest to myself about what I want and where I want to be this year. I'm freaked that its March, because I truly believed I was going to have a lot more sorted out by now than I have currently.

Life just screams past like a bullet train and I just feel like I'm running alongside hoping to jump on. Impossible yes with a bullet train...

I'm yearning for some change, which has made me realise quite seriously that I think this is who I am constantly. I am always going to be moving, seeking better things and new pastures. A year and a half ago I wanted to get on a plane and leave everything I knew and loved in London, and now I understand what I had but also what I have gained. We have to make sacrifices in order to get what we want, that is true. But sometimes I'm not sure how worth it they are. Lately I've been taught the value of patience by a friend and I admire his ability to bide his time and gather himself for his end goal. So I'm going to be patient. I don't at all regret being here, I love my country and being a part of all of this. And the people I have found here are just so precious I wouldn't have it any other way. I just always feel like something is missing and I know I need to keep seeking it.

I've been also realising the brutal truths about the choices we make in life. We are all so inter-linked, and the choices we make affect others around us so much that I have recently been totally overwhelmed by it. Simply choosing to call a friend or take another sip of a drink or have one more smoke, all of it fucks with so much we just don't realise. In a way its better we don't think about the gravity of choices too much, but I can't help it.

And then... there's the whole thing of who we think we are vs who we really are. I suppose the most important thing about that is who we want to be, because if we keep that goal post in our sights, we will no doubt keep ourselves true and strive to be better. Or get lazy and turn away from it and find another.

I don't believe I have made much sense here. 

1 comment:

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