Choices

I read recently that liking what you do is happiness, doing what you love is freedom. Or something like that. Fact is, I think that applies to everything in life, not just work. 

Each day is filled with possibilities and potential when you wake up. Not to put on the pressure but I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that we literally are in seconds and minutes in our actions and words and thoughts. I'm more aware of how I spend my days, the priorities I place on certain things and people, when actually my gut says they are misaligned. I don't ever want to think that I've wasted a day, even if I do one important thing then it'll be a day well spent. 

I find myself wondering a lot more: how am I going to live today, what am I going to do, how am I going to impact upon the people around me, can I change something for them, can I make them feel better? Can I please stop thinking about myself and my problems? Is it actually possible to not think of yourself? To be self-less? I feel confronted all the time, never has my mind been this bombarded by a few specific thoughts which fragment into so many during the day. Suddenly I find I've been gazing out the window for a few minutes and then I think - what the heck? I need to refocus and do more of the things I've wanted to do.

But saying that, my mind is so much clearer than it has been these past few months. I see clearly what it is that I have to do but also I can see the optional paths in front of me. Choice is one of the most complicated things that exist in our world - free will, the ability to choose one thing from another. To make a decision and then live with the results of that choice, not knowing the outcome until its either too late or it worked a treat and you're happy as fuck. 

That's probably why gambling is so popular, its like flexing your choice muscles - yes the risk is financial and possibly emotional if extreme, but its not always that scary. Hmm. Rambling.

McQueen and Little White Lies

September.

September September September. This year is flying by me.

I keep thinking that I should accept some truths about myself and what it is I am doing with my life. Like how as much I always think I'm contributing towards positive change in the world, in my country... in other people's lives, maybe that I am not. That I'm too caught up in whats happening to me to think about doing more for others. But everytime I decide to accept that, another part of me refuses, tells me no - you still have time and the chance, keep that goalpost in the distance, make it hard for yourself so you'll always strive to do it, that it will always stay on your list of things to achieve. If I don't, what point is there? And maybe its not about following in the footsteps of other people you love and respect, like parents or grandparents, their lives and legacies are there to show you that it can be done but by them. Because we are not them, we are us, we are our own people who have slightly different beliefs and plans and loves. And its absolutely ok to let go and do our own thing. Sometimes accepting things like that can be difficult.

I've had quite a time this past year. I feel aware of myself and my thoughts more and more. 

I can't write about Katharine, but I will soon. I realise that her death really has cut me deep, that so many people dying this year is a reminder of so much. That life is short, that it will happen, that we all share that one destiny irrelevant of religion, ethnicity or whether we like popcorn or not. Its a reminder that we have to live as happiest as we can, to tell the people we love that we love them, that if someone makes you sad tell them, if you want to jump out of a plane then do it, if you want to smile and make someone feel good about themselves then do that. That there is no weakness in kindness, no failure in being supportive and warm towards someone, in complementing them when they don't know how to deal with it. I am fed up of pretending and for performing for others, I'm not here for those who speak ill of me, I'm here for those I love. 

I used to think I was completely defined by my work and career. I have so much ambition, its bursting out of me. But at the same time it hurts like mad when people you think know and believe in your abilities, don't actually. If life is about proving yourself to others then holy crap I've made a career out of that... but I think its more about proving yourself to yourself. To have self belief and self love is so important because if you don't believe and love yourself, how can you expect others to do that? Self loathing is terminal and unnecessary. 

I need to let go of that rope. Question is, sink or swim?

Ramblings

As life moves on, I find my scope changes and my world gets a little smaller in terms of the people I trust and love, those who one keeps close and who one turns to. If you reflect on it - you'll realise that some of those you think of now in times of need or just happiness, are quite different from even a year ago. I suppose this is the continuous evolution of your mind, heart and spirit... Your life progressing and shifting as you change and grow older. Or I'm just a very changeable creature. Nah, its evolution. Fact is, I'm a very lucky girl with the people I have in my life - feel like I ought to tell them.

Genesis. I was on my parents balcony this afternoon in the sunshine, looking at the fresh greenery of the garden after days of rain and I realised how much I love this country. How much I love seeing coconut trees at every possible turn, hearing the birds and the distant bus horns. I feel like I'm turning a small corner on this strange feeling I've been having for the past 6 months, though I'm not sure where its going... 

Times like these.

I am a new day rising 

I'm a brand new sky 

To hang the stars upon tonight 

I am a little divided 

Do I stay or run away 

And leave it all behind?

- Foo Fighters

Reflection.

Just found this photo from 8 years ago at Pringo's wedding. What a journey I was about to embark on, I had absolutely no idea that that year and every year after were going to be so damn good, confusing and filled to the brim with more than I could imagine.

Today I confronted the choice of paths, and how sometimes though you feel like you need to pick one to go down, you don't actually have to. You can spend time thinking about it and considering it, and also let go and allow life to take over and determine what you ought to do.

I visited the House of Siris today, it was pretty interesting... blew me away on some fronts and on others I feel unsure. But I suppose thats a part of the experience. There's never one right answer I realise.

Joy.

Electric Peacock Festival 2013. EPIC.

The Electric Peacock Festival happened again. We did it, we achieved what we hoped and in fact more than we expected which is such an incredibly weird feeling. Having woken up with dread and despair in my stomach in the past, to feel happy, to nod knowingly and hear so much praise it has been an extremely humbling and motivating experience. Tinie Tempah, New Young Pony Club, Asvajit, Muku, Good Music Movement, Julius Mitchell and Naadro Drummers created our stellar line up, each to their own - loved for different reasons and all tied together by this platform we have built over the past 4 years.

I so didn't want to do it 3 weeks ago, but I was on an unstoppable course that both Tasha and I had set ourselves on months before.

We had thousands of people who came to us with their belief and support, our friends smiling at us from the crowds, strangers patting you on the back saying how much fun they were having... it was immense. The moment I will never forget is standing on the side of the stage by the sound desk, with Tinie's manager Dumi and PR guy Junior, watching Tinie start to sing "Written in the Stars" and him standing there in disbelief at the crowds roaring in a unified voice. Screaming the words back at him. Every. Single. Word. It was so loud and energetic and hungry... all of the things we had claimed for the past 4 years, while sitting in multiple offices of companies making our tireless pitch on why this country needs live music experiences and being met with mediocre stares and sluggish responses. Only a few saw our vision and they came on board. So that moment, I realised Tasha and I were right. We knew that what we were trying to achieve was being proved right by thousands of people in front of us.

All the stress, blood, sweat and tears were worth it then.

Why I am here.

Weligama Bay, one of our many surf safari's.

Feathers

Some goofing off with my feather headgear during Christmas.

Learning to walk

This has been one hell of a year so far as I write this on March 1st, I feel like I've had several revelations about myself, my family and what it is I am doing here as a person. I haven't been able to keep my mind still on one thing and I feel frustrated and positive at the same time about that. I suppose I haven't been honest to myself about what I want and where I want to be this year. I'm freaked that its March, because I truly believed I was going to have a lot more sorted out by now than I have currently.

Life just screams past like a bullet train and I just feel like I'm running alongside hoping to jump on. Impossible yes with a bullet train...

I'm yearning for some change, which has made me realise quite seriously that I think this is who I am constantly. I am always going to be moving, seeking better things and new pastures. A year and a half ago I wanted to get on a plane and leave everything I knew and loved in London, and now I understand what I had but also what I have gained. We have to make sacrifices in order to get what we want, that is true. But sometimes I'm not sure how worth it they are. Lately I've been taught the value of patience by a friend and I admire his ability to bide his time and gather himself for his end goal. So I'm going to be patient. I don't at all regret being here, I love my country and being a part of all of this. And the people I have found here are just so precious I wouldn't have it any other way. I just always feel like something is missing and I know I need to keep seeking it.

I've been also realising the brutal truths about the choices we make in life. We are all so inter-linked, and the choices we make affect others around us so much that I have recently been totally overwhelmed by it. Simply choosing to call a friend or take another sip of a drink or have one more smoke, all of it fucks with so much we just don't realise. In a way its better we don't think about the gravity of choices too much, but I can't help it.

And then... there's the whole thing of who we think we are vs who we really are. I suppose the most important thing about that is who we want to be, because if we keep that goal post in our sights, we will no doubt keep ourselves true and strive to be better. Or get lazy and turn away from it and find another.

I don't believe I have made much sense here.