Wednesday, September 18, 2013


September September September. This year is flying by me.

I keep thinking that I should accept some truths about myself and what it is I am doing with my life. Like how as much I always think I'm contributing towards positive change in the world, in my country... in other people's lives, maybe that I am not. That I'm too caught up in whats happening to me to think about doing more for others. But everytime I decide to accept that, another part of me refuses, tells me no - you still have time and the chance, keep that goalpost in the distance, make it hard for yourself so you'll always strive to do it, that it will always stay on your list of things to achieve. If I don't, what point is there? And maybe its not about following in the footsteps of other people you love and respect, like parents or grandparents, their lives and legacies are there to show you that it can be done but by them. Because we are not them, we are us, we are our own people who have slightly different beliefs and plans and loves. And its absolutely ok to let go and do our own thing. Sometimes accepting things like that can be difficult.

I've had quite a time this past year. I feel aware of myself and my thoughts more and more. 

I can't write about Katharine, but I will soon. I realise that her death really has cut me deep, that so many people dying this year is a reminder of so much. That life is short, that it will happen, that we all share that one destiny irrelevant of religion, ethnicity or whether we like popcorn or not. Its a reminder that we have to live as happiest as we can, to tell the people we love that we love them, that if someone makes you sad tell them, if you want to jump out of a plane then do it, if you want to smile and make someone feel good about themselves then do that. That there is no weakness in kindness, no failure in being supportive and warm towards someone, in complementing them when they don't know how to deal with it. I am fed up of pretending and for performing for others, I'm not here for those who speak ill of me, I'm here for those I love. 

I used to think I was completely defined by my work and career. I have so much ambition, its bursting out of me. But at the same time it hurts like mad when people you think know and believe in your abilities, don't actually. If life is about proving yourself to others then holy crap I've made a career out of that... but I think its more about proving yourself to yourself. To have self belief and self love is so important because if you don't believe and love yourself, how can you expect others to do that? Self loathing is terminal and unnecessary. 

I need to let go of that rope. Question is, sink or swim?